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trynot2breathe

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hehe [Apr. 8th, 2006|11:45 pm]
trynot2breathe
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haateee [Mar. 18th, 2006|01:08 pm]
trynot2breathe
yyyaaa ok im definately losing all my friends.

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Waffles [Feb. 19th, 2006|11:30 pm]
trynot2breathe
[the weather |foggy]
[bE-bOp |arcade fire]

soooooo i havent written in this for..umm..about 9 months now.
go me.
i think i deserve a shiny badge or something. or maybe a cake.

blah im bored and its vacation and i felt like doing something.
so i decided to check my loser livejournal...and currentlyyy im debating whether or not to delete the past entries cause theyre rather embaressing.

but yea. so update on my life. i don't really feel like writing much now cause i'm drugged off migrane medicine but ill write more later...maybe..if i feel like getting on this again.

i realized that i need that "other person to talk to about shit" and while livejournal isnt a person it seems to get my feelings out at least...

so i have no fucking clue where to start.

thank god i dont have school cause at this point i probably would have jumped off a bridge if i did. the last year has been probably the worst in my life. except for joey of course...but everything else ive been trying prettyyy hard to forget. im always sick, for one. my migranes get in the way of my work. im being to feel a lot like donnie darko. and my familys a mess. my room is a mess. and i dont get along very well with messes.

im going to some specialized doctor sometime soon though which is good cause maybe he'll be able to figure out why i have a lump behind my eye and why i always have a migrane and why my back is always enflamed and why i can never breath and why my hands randomly shake and why ive been having so many nightmares. hey but i think im going semi dress shopping tomorrow + getting my camera fixed which is double sweetness. yipeee

vacations been horrible so far too. i got home and found out my kitty had died. and honestly like...she was my best friend. and now when im upset at home theres no one to come make me happy. because shes dead. and thats depressing. cause she was the sweetest cat ive ever met and she was really young and she was my love. and shes gone.

her dying was a great start to my so called happiness of no work. (my moms not letting me go anywhere until i clean my room too...o boy.) i was with joe luckily when i found out, so i stayed at his house for awhile and it was nice being with him and crying. because hes amazing and he makes me feel better...and if i was at home i would be all alone in my bed...which is extremely depressing. saturday was worse. i was left to an empty house without my kitty and it was the loneliest day of my life. it felt like i had been shot in the heart not to sound all cliche-like but i dont think ive ever been so sad. not to mention i could have easily lost my job cause i realized i couldnt work when i was already an hour late. but meh watever. boss probably doesnt care cause im a good worker. and i got into a 3 hour fight with my mom. but other than that...yay..?

today wasnt bad. sitting through 4 hours of drivers ed was torturous but i resided to playing tictactoe, doodling hearts, and eating jellybeans instead of paying attention. which was nice.
then i hung with joe, went out to eat with my mom (which was...interesting..), and now im bored.

so bored in fact that me and my friend decided to see if we could both write a poem in no more then a minute. random, yes, but watever. it takes up time. a minute, actually. so yea i wrote something random, and considering i havent had time to sit down and write anything for a long time its pretty bad. but watever man. i wrote it in approx 47 seconds. so be cool.

----------------------------
----------------------------


"Please,"
        she said,
              "Come out from there."
Resistance,
           Falling,
                     Denial.
the waves erase the hidden path,
to the hollow .beneath. the trees.
The nightly paranoia from one window
                  .to the next.
{buried} under the sheets of fear,
Waiting,
          Watching,
                       Hoping.
From Peter Rabbit to liquid red,
dripping from the hands of the grandfather
clock, ticking...ticking...
When will it stop. When will
crayons no longer be wax,
but plastic figures of society.
The molten door remains enflamed, an
escape ship to the next water,
but why,
do you choose to sink
         instead?
the murder here is cold.
"Please,"
          She said,
                  "Don't die in there."
"Don't die in there."

----------------------------
----------------------------

hey so ive been feeling really distant from my friends lately. which really sucks. cause theyre always out doing stuff and having fun and im either busy, sick, or my mom wont let me (because i concentrate too much on my social life apparently) blah. i know my life sounds all depressing and shit and it kinda is, but just so you know i see myself as living a happy life. i dont know why but i do. because im happy most of the time, mostly outside home. but meh..

wow i kinda have a lot to write about in here. unfortunately im using a mathbook as a pillow at the moment, and i despise math and my bed seems very welcoming.
and the only thing ive been doing is listening to some mitch hedberg and looking for album pictures and putting them on my eyepod, cause i just figured out i could do that...so now i have the pleasureee of seeing the cover of the cd when i listen to the song. (?) which is crucial of course...cause everyone needs pictures. umm and i dont feel like going back to change how i spelled ipod because that involves me having to move my hand to the mouse. i know...im a lazy bum. and i need sleep. not to mention i have to look forward to learning what a stop sign means tomorrow.

so its bedtime i guess
cheerio and goodnight<3
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It's SUNNY [May. 28th, 2005|02:43 pm]
trynot2breathe
[the weather |flirtylovely]
[bE-bOp |Rilo Kiley]

mmm mmm what yummy weather we have today.

I love how I'm stuck inside cleaning my stupid room.

wooooo

my mom apparently thinks vacation is more days to clean.
lucky me.

..I diid find that necklace I've been missing for like FOUR years though. soo yay..

yeea. hmm I'm going to a barbaque later with my lovely danielle!!
These things are keen to having a large number of 6 year olds running around on crack though sooo that will be...fun. At least we have mass amounts of food to keep us busy..

This summer is going to be so fucking awesome by the way.

Still my guitar gently weeps.
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He was...so pretty [May. 22nd, 2005|11:21 am]
trynot2breathe
[the weather |annoyedannoyed]
[bE-bOp |Andrew Lloyd Webber]

Star Wars was amazing. And I cried...just to let you all know.
I am a complete loser and proud star wars geek. Go me.

yaay and I'm seeing it agaain with Sruthi today but I can't think of it without getting goddam tears in my eyes . I get way too emotional with movies. man I love myself.

Oh, and ignore the last entry...cuase my dads an asshole and I have very little simpathy for him. Very Little.

Yesterday was shit. Complete and total shit. I had TWO wonderful plans with people and ended up doing nothing cuase my family is not capable of talking to one another. There was a graduation party I was supposed to go with Sarah, but my dad told us he got Kiss Concert tickets (which i haate) but he already bought them and I figured it couldnt be thaat bad. So I canceled the plans with sarah and told danielle to come to the concert with me. My dad slept all morning...couldn't get a hold of him...finally got a call saying that the ticket office were complete LOSERS and accidently sold our tickets to someone else...then felt really bad cuase I had to tell danielle we couldnt go..etc etc. So danielle and I just hung around and went to the mall and watched a movie. Which was mad fun and nice to get outa my house. I splurged on a 50 dollar mini skirt and can now officially say I have no money. Maybe two dollars and 100 pounds of change, but thats about it.

Going to a rilo kiley concert tonight? I hope. called my dad a bastard yesterday (but only after he called me something) and since I'm the kid I'm the one punished and blah blah. The tickets are already bought though so I kinda have to go...and my brother calls him names everyday and he doesnt get killed over it. so yea. whatever.

Hayden Christiansen = extreme hotness and much crying when he becomes evil

Show me just a little of your omnipresent brain.
Show me there's a reason for you wanting me to die.
You're far to keen on where and how, but not so hot on why.

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Dear God, [May. 17th, 2005|05:48 pm]
trynot2breathe
I will drink your cup of poison

I cried. I finally cried.
For about three minutes,
because I made myself stop.
I thought he would change. I really did
My mom's been waiting for twenty-five fucking years
for him to be what we've hoped he could be
...and there's been very few changes. Very few indeed
In fact, I think it's gotten worse.
But, I always make him seem worse than he actually is.
"Oh yeah, my dad's a stoner.
No biggie. Really. It doesn't affect me much
He only did anything once in awhile
And even then, he did it out in the garage,
where the most dangerous thing he could do
when he was high,
was cut off his arm with a saw.
I would tell people about him,
making myself believe he wasnt actually that bad
He really isn't.
At least I think so.
He's the friendliest guy I know.
Laughing, smiling, actually talking to me
But only in public.
Fuck, he's not one of those raving mad abusers
his hidden emotions only released at home.
He's really not.
I promise.
He's really cool. He blasts lovely music and does cool things.
He kinda acts like a kid. So I like him.
He just doesn't realize when he needs to be an adult.
I used to be the closest person to him in the world.
Once I turned 13, he forgot about me.
Once I was too old to handle, he gave up.
Now, he only spends time with Emma.
Once she reaches adolescense, he'll ditch her too.
If he's even still around by then.
There's been an empty spot in the driveway all day.
And I want him to come back.
I need him to come back.
I never told him I love him.
Through all the tears and agony.
I really do love him. I really do.
He doesn't know though.
I can tell.
Only one person in his family seems to care about him.
The rest push him away.
I've been pushing him away.
I feel like an asshole.
All this time I've
believed hes been the asshole.
Well, he has.
But I think he was just reaching out for attention.
I see it now.
He tries to talk to my brother. Tries to start
some sort of convosation.
He has nothing to talk to us anymore.
My brother tells him to go away
that hes already told him this a hundred fucking times,
and to stop being such an asshole.
And he tries to talk to me,
I only mumble a yes or no.
I can see his pain now.
Hes a broken man.
Lonely, lost, without a home.
He only has Emma.
That's why he's so good to her.
And his friends from work too.
Maybe thats why he comes back home so late.
He finds happiness in other people.
And I see the pain in my mother's eyes.
He really is impossible sometimes.
But my mom only makes it worse.
She claims everything is his fault.
Everything.
She says that he thinks hes innocent.
And he does.
Everyone thinks theyre innocent.
But there not.
My father isn't.
My mother isn't.
At least my dad knows hes not perfect.
My mom wont understand she's not.
I try to tell her and she starts ranting
about how I could possibly say that
when I've just seen what my dad has done to her.
I see the pain.
I see the pain.
Yesterday I was about to write a poem about him,
With eloquent words that twist and flow,
about what a terrible person he is, and what he's done,
to me.
Today I sit at my computer,
writing some crapass thing
that is most certainly not a poem
but more a poorly written story.
And I sit here wondering,
trying not to cry,
trying to make my father a part of my life again.
I don't want him to leave.
The past year has been tough.
I've rejected him.
And he the same toward me.
A mutual feeling.
And I began to miss him
My mother would ask me,
"Don't you care at all?"
I respond quickly, with a no.
I didn't think I cared.
I felt no emotion toward him when we got into a fight,
Just hatred and disgust.
I realize now,
that I longed for his return.
Why can't things be like they used to.
Why.
Why can't he give me piggybacks up the stairs when I am tired.
Why can't we laugh at cartoons together when I'm sick.
Why.
Things change.
I change.
He changes.
The world revolves.
A cycle of life and death.
Mortality and maturity.
And I sit here admist all the problems in the world,
and wonder.
I wonder why the hell people think this way.
Why is the goddam world like this.
Why does my dad feel alone.
Why does suicide lurk dangerously close to him.
Why do people do drugs when it ruins their lives.
Their families lives.
Why Why Fucking Why.
I can smell it on him when he comes into the house,
or when I get into his car.
I don't say anything.
Obviously it's a touchy subject.
And my sister isnt supposed to know.
Actually, no one is supposed to know.
so Shh don't tell anyone...
that my family is falling apart.
I'm falling apart.
Please Help Me.

"He’s crawling down the corridor
On his hands and knees --
Old charlie stole the handle and
The train won’t stop going --
No way to slow down."

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Oh My [May. 17th, 2005|01:42 pm]
trynot2breathe
[the weather |dorkydorky]
[bE-bOp |Elephant Love Medley]

Becuase I'm deathly sick and all, I thought today would be a wonderful time to make my lj all pretty and updated. I just spent like TWO hours looking for a new layout and, as you can probably tell, I gave up fairly easily considering nothing at all looks even remotely prettier. oh well. I tried.

What the hell is so special about myspace? I just realized that like half my grade has one and it makes me wanna go cut my head off. Evil. Pure Evil. I don't have a problem with some of the people having them cuase they at least have a livejournal or xanga or
something but all these stupid posers think they're so cool. They can't write so they get a myspace instead just so they can put a pretty picture of them up on the internet to attract people. Internet-whoreing...as Laura calls it. And if you have a myspace and are reading this don't automatically think I hate you. Cuase I most likely don't..

right...so..a squirrel keeps sitting outside my window and I think he's pretty dam cool. He keeps leaving nuts on the windowsill. yay for squirrels. I think I used to want one as a pet.

TWO DAYS till star wars.

Missing school blows. I managed to miss six tests and quizzes. Go me. I was going to go to school today, I really was, but then I didn't wake up till noon. and my goddam head feels like its about to fall off so I think it's probably wise that I didn't becuase I would have collapsed and died in the hall. I'm soo behind now though, and I don't think I can do the musical review the chorus was having cuase I missed both rehearsals. bleh.

I CANT STOP HICCUPING. It's terrible. They're those stupid hiccups that actually hurt. And I've had some form of lockjaw the past two days so I can't move my mouth. hiccuping=pain.

And my mom insists on taking me to the doctor so I'm forced to go take a shower and actually look decent. I hate my doctor. She wouldn't be able to tell a diasese from a watermelon. Seriously. You tell her your symptons and blah blah blah while she stares at you like a dumbass and has no fucking idea what the hell could possibly be wrong with you. I give her a bit of credit though. She does have cool glasses.

I just cured my three hour hiccuping with chocolate. man, it really is amazing stuff.

Aqualung my friend --
Don’t start away uneasy
You poor old sod, you see, it’s only me.
Do you still remember
December’s foggy freeze --
When the ice that
Clings on to your beard is
Screaming agony.
And you snatch your rattling last breaths
With deep-sea-diver sounds,
And the flowers bloom like
Madness in the spring.
~jethro tull

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Wow, I'm bored [May. 15th, 2005|03:53 pm]
trynot2breathe
[the weather |sicksick]
[bE-bOp |Tonight, Tonight]

bleeh I think my moms making me stay home from school tomorrow. I feel so sick but I haaate missing school.

el stupidoCollapse )

Oh and the pirates play was really good! amazing job to all my friends in it! love youuuu mwa
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My First Love Song [May. 15th, 2005|12:42 pm]
trynot2breathe
[the weather |sleepysleepy]
[bE-bOp |Aqualung-Jethro Tull]

Laura's got me hooked on Mellowdrone.
Good shit.

For the past week I've been screaming/singing that Proclaimers song the "well I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles To fall down at your doooor
..." yea.. I think I was singing it at the mall the other day cuase I looked up and everyone was staring at me (including this really hott guy I might add...) but they all probably just thought I was retarded cuase they usually do. Go me.

Follow me, don’t follow me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
Collar me, don’t collar me
I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my orange crush
We are agents of the free
I’ve had my fun and now it’s time to
Serve your conscience overseas (over me, not over me)
Coming in fast, over me

High on the roof,
Thin the blood,
Another one climbs on the waves tonight,
Comin’ in, you’re home

We’d circle and we’d circle and we’d circle to stop and consider and
Centered on the pavement stacked up all the trucks jacked up and
Our wheels in slush and orange crush in pocket and all this here county
Hell any county it’s just like heaven here and I was remembering and i
Was just in a different county and all then this whirlybird that i
Headed for I had my goggles pulled off I knew it all I knew every back
Road and every truck stop
~Orange Crush-R.E.M.

haha so don't laugh but me and some of my friends went to this sleepover thing at a humongo sized sports club last night and we swam and did dance aerobics (crazy shit) and other mad exciting fitness-like things...Then we had to sleep on the extremely hard gym floor that the celtics apperently practice on off season...and we played truth or dare. yay.

Ok, so apparently a "spinning class" is neither a class where you learn the proper way to spin in circles nor anything to do with spinning thread into yarn. It's bicycling. Who the hell thought of calling BICYCLING on little stationary bikes in a hot stuffy room with some instructor telling you to pedal faster
spinning. you dont spin at all. you sit and stand and pedal and hurt your ass cause they dont even bother to make the seats comfortable. Why the hell would anyone be motivated to get in shape by doing that.

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby
Don't You Forget About Me

..Can someone please make me stop falling in love with horny assholes. Thank You.

hmm yea. so I have to go get ready to watch my brother in the childrens play. Now I can see what I missed out on when I was an idiot and decided to quit and do track instead. Good move.

annnd more lyrics...

All of these folks
On the tv have their reasons
Like you on your hill
Consuming en masse with your buddies

Everytime I watch them all go by
I take in a breath and let out a sigh
I don't know how much of this i can handle
Excuse me is my rant taking too long?
Is it getting in the way of this lovely song?
Just promise me that you'll never leave
I'd die if you leave me

When I was young
All of these things didn't matter
But now times have changed
And I wasn't paying attention

So fuck you and your mass media toys
That make being alive seem like a chore
I don't know how much of this i can handle
Excuse me is my rant taking too long?
Is it getting in the way of this lovely song?
Just promise me that you'll never leave
I'd die if you leave me

I Love You!

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Partytime [May. 9th, 2005|09:48 pm]
trynot2breathe
[the weather |loveddaam sexy]
[bE-bOp |Neil Young]

WOOHOOOO

lovely stuff today
allergic reaction in the morning..blotchy face all day...eating strawberries and whipped cream now
..yeaa all sorts of prettyness

hokay so I think I decided to link this to my profile but anyone who reads it...well...please dont.
cuase everything I've written in here is either at 2 in the morning when I cant function and dont know what the hell I'm talking about or I'm just stoned outa my mind..
just kidding...everyone knows im not on crack...

right...so none of this actually sounds like me. goody now that weve got that covered...im gonna go do homework, write a pretty poem, and dream about this wonderful guy i know..<3

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